I’m not good at divination. I don’t think I ever have been. I have a touch of precognition, though as I’ve gotten older, my ability to dream glimpses of the future has almost utterly failed me, and that’s about as gifted as I’ve ever been. In my youth, these flashes of “knowing” happened frequently; now, I’ll be lucky if I can remember my breakfast, let alone what my dreams showed me.
Lately, however, as my devotional activity has been ramping up, I feel as though I am more “open” to things around me. Last night I had a dream that bordered on reality so much so that I could have sworn it had the tinge of precognition to it. “Just dreams” as often hazy, surreal, and have a distinct flavour of the otherworld to them. Dreams that often become reality, however, are so real that I always fear that I’m not really asleep, but simply awake and going about my day. This dream was the latter. It was so clear and lifelike it actually woke me up.
I have gone about my day troubled by this dream, as well as other petty matters that have caused me undue anxiety. Tonight, on a whim, I went to my Lady’s shrine, and gave more than my usual offerings, in the hope that my Lady would reveal Her will, or offer me some wisdom. I also did something I rarely, if ever, do: I broke out my oracle cards.
I purchased them last year. A beautiful deck of the Druid Animal Oracle, as I have always felt closest to animals, and felt much more in-tune with the symbolism behind the animals as opposed to a simple tarot deck. I feel like oracle decks have a depth to them that I’ve never been able to connect to the tarot, though of course a more skilled diviner would likely say otherwise. I don’t pretend to know much in this department – like I said, I’m woefully inadequate in these arts – but nonetheless, oracle decks seem to work better for me than tarot.
My usual habit when I feel as though I have a pressing question for my Lady is to send off an email to a wonderfully skilled diviner, pay my fee, and await the second opinion. Up until now, this has worked just fine for me. It helps to have the third party confirmation with pressing questions, so that I don’t feel as though I’m simply reinforcing my own hopes and desires. Tonight, however, seemed different. Tonight I felt as though this was a conversation I needed to have privately, and to hear Her voice without the aid of another.
It’s an eerie feeling, asking questions, shuffling the deck, and drawing cards that resonate so strongly with what you asked. I admit that it was unsettling; there’s no way to truly explain away how “candid” the cards seemed, and yet how vague they were in other ways. At first the card meanings were puzzling, but as I sat there reading the card descriptions aloud, and speaking my question aloud, I was able to untangle the answer in due course. One card still puzzles me, though I think I have figured the meaning out. Only time will tell.
However, another answer stood out so much that I found myself crying. As soon as I finished reading the card description, tears sprang to my eyes. I had asked if Lady Nerthus still wished for me to dedicate myself to Her. I asked with the trepidation of those with a guilty heart, for I know I had been lacking for months in my devotional rituals. I had failed. I had allowed grief to sweep me away from my duties, and I felt utterly unworthy of my Gods. I felt sure I would pull a card replete with scathing curses and fury; I certainly would have deserved it. Instead, I drew the Frog, reversed, which indicated to me a clear yes, though with the caveat that it would be difficult. I had always known this – it is part of why I am so afraid to go through with it – but still the answer was staring me right in the face: yes. She did still want me for Her own, and while the path would be difficult, perhaps even unappealing, it would be a path well worth the effort.
There were other questions, but I feel they are too private to discuss on a blog. The subject of my dedication to Lady Nerthus has been around since I first undertook my journey (indeed, She is probably a big reason why I’m on this path to begin with), and I think this time… this time I must go through with the ceremony. It’s clear to me now that I can’t put this off much longer – the Vanic Queen will have what is Hers.
On that note, for those others who belong to Lady Nerthus, or who perhaps have an interest in Her, Galina Krasskova is holding an Agon throughout April in Her honour. I have a prayer I’ve written that I’ll be submitting, and I encourage others to submit as well. Let’s fill this Agon with our love and honour towards our Lady of the Earth!